crap joke

[jokes]

[glow=purple,2,300]Hey all

Heres a crap joke

A bear and a rabbitt takin a crap in the woods
and the bear says to the rabbit do have a problem with crap sticken to your fur. The rabbit replies no so the bear wipes his backside with the rabbit [/glow]

[michele cryer]

YEUKKK!!!!

Jokes..am I right in suspecting that you are escort? having trouble logging in? If so, please refer to the welcome to the board topics and let me know if you still have any problems...

Michele

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]Hey Michele
no i forgot to login and didnt realise till this morning
[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=purple,2,300]Hey All
Heres another joke for you

A guy on a plane and he needs to go to the toilet despratly. But every time he goes there was someone else using it. So after a while the hostess noiteced his proplem. In which she said he could use the ladies but made sure he understood not to touch the buttons on the wall.

He then went in and sat down he then saw four buttons marked as WW, WA, PP, ATR.
After a while his curiosty got the better of him and all of a sudden pressed the WW button.

With a huge gush warm water gushed out and washed his backside. WOW! he thought that was fantastic and pressed the WA, button. Then with another sudden gush out came warm air and dried his backside.

Oh excellent he thought why dont men have anthing like this he says to him self and presses the PP, button.

Then a powder puff comes out dust's his bottom, oh excellent his says to himself the ladies have really got it made for them and in the full grips of curisosty at this point he pressed the ATR, button and promptly passes out.

Later on he wakes up in hospital lying on a bed he asked the nurse what happened. To which she replied
"You pressed the ATR Button which means Automatic Tampon Remover you thingy is under your pillow and your balls are in the bucket under the bed". ;D [/glow]

[michele cryer]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL !!!!!!!!

WONDERFUL, FANTASTIC...HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"
"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"
"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.
"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her! [/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"

[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand." [/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"


[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."
[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!"

[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see"
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"
"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"

[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."
He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.
The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.
The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

[/glow]

[michele cryer]

Goodness me escort..u are a minefield of crazy jokes...just love the parrot stuff lol...

Hope everyone on here takes these jokes as they are intended to be..harmless fun, and isn't offended...

We need a good laugh, keep up the good work escort...

Michele

[Becki]

escort said:

[glow=red,2,300]This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!"
"Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?"
"Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees.
"Fine." He says, and throws up all over her! [/glow]

Hahahaaaa thats great!!!!!

becki xxx ;D

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." [/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed![/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"![/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first." [/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group." The man says O.K.
He is striped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.
The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization."
As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

[/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day![/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage.
He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff." The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.
He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a Consultant." [/glow]

[escort]

[glow=red,2,300]There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.
The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.
Hitman: where is the money?
Accountant signs he does not know
Brother: he said he does not know
Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!
Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.
Hitman: what did he say?
Brother: you don't have the balls! [/glow]