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Post by escort on Aug 30, 2004 20:35:03 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." [/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 30, 2004 20:38:58 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do. ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired. CAREER-MINDED: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70. SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover. SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos [/glow]
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Post by michele cryer on Aug 31, 2004 1:04:06 GMT
LOL escort, that last one was soo true to life..lol
Michele
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:38:43 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:40:05 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM. One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how? "No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride." The man says, "Ok!" They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright . Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost. Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street." "What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:42:25 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer. Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it. She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!" ...The radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:43:00 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:43:44 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess." The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste. A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:44:27 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to call the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really," she said. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:50:34 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]A mother and her son were flying TWA from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on time." [/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:51:50 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?" The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years" "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord." St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord." "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter." "Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?" "Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!" [/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:54:19 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail. "OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City." With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him. "Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?" The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!" [/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:55:23 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade. After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!" They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing. They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up[/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:57:48 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?" [/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 11:58:28 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.[/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 12:00:31 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]An Englishwoman and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by. "Mummy" the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?" The mother, clearly embarassed by the question, replied: "I expect they're lost and are asking people for directions" The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: "why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes." The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn't let it go: "What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?" "Of course" the mother replied, "that's where New York taxi drivers come from." [/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 12:02:31 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch- hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport,"he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What? Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok", and as they went off the businessman waved to each and every cabbie giving a huge thumbs up.
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 12:03:03 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the officer replied. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking." [/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 12:03:44 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 12:04:49 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes!" the monkey motioned. "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." the monkey confirmed. "What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey. [/glow]
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 12:06:13 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. " How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Post by escort on Aug 31, 2004 12:07:31 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
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Post by michele cryer on Aug 31, 2004 23:32:38 GMT
LOLOL escort..love that Rolls/Yugo joke michele
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Post by escort on Sept 1, 2004 8:53:18 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]lol i hope to post more jokes lateron today [/glow]
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Post by escort on Sept 2, 2004 12:59:32 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." [/glow]
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Post by escort on Sept 4, 2004 17:38:57 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?' "
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?' "
Again there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw up."
Teacher said, "Who said that?"
Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!"
Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
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Post by escort on Sept 4, 2004 17:39:53 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story. During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency."
Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision."
"How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.
Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."
"That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.
Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth." [/glow]
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Post by escort on Sept 4, 2004 17:42:29 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]Nixon and Clinton Compared
Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Waterbed Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: (No difference)
Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
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Post by escort on Sept 4, 2004 17:43:42 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?" A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car." Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?" A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss." [/glow]
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Post by escort on Sept 4, 2004 17:45:22 GMT
[glow=red,2,300]Bill & Hillary Clinton are celebrating their 25th Anniversary. All 25 years Bill has kept a large box under his side of the bed. He asked Hillary never to look in his box, and so she obeyed. But, on the morning of their 25th, she couldn't stand the suspense any longer. She opened the box and there were three empty beer cans and $1800 cash. She closed the box and put it back. At dinner, she looks to Bill and says, "Bill, I never looked in your box all 25 years,but I had to look today. The suspense was killing me. Though, I'm confused. Why three beer cans and $1800?" He looks at her a few moments then tells her. " Hillary, every time I was unfaithful to you, I kept an empty ber can." Hillary still looks puzzled." Ok Bill, I know the three times you were unfaithful. I'm hurt but that's over with, But why $1800?" Bill says," Well, every time the box got full, I went to recycling and kept the money." [/glow]
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