Chain letters..what will they think of next?

[michele cryer]

These 2 chain letters were received by members of another website, and probably have been received by thousands more Pc users around the world...I just thought they were exceptionally funny so have reprinted them here:

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your darn chain letters over the past two years.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geeze, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!!!

[michele cryer]

Thats funny.

This was always my favorite chain mail letter.

I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me,
because I can't. She is
crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born
without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.
The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled
with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on
account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body
transplant, but we need more money.
Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I
said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always
gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her
sneeze and chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email
to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too.
Dr.Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill
Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding
NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have
the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them
better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he
will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the
doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will
be able to play baseball. Right now, I can only be third base.
Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers
to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.
Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my
leaves to rot before I turn 10.
If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a
mean and heartless ###### who doesn't care about a poor little boy with
only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own
guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and
then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you
can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so
that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless
nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a
kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that
wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap
body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,

Billy "Smiles" Evans

[Mitch]

Titter - serious head f u c ks 'ere! ;D

"Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty ussher. I wish I could hold a kitty ussher. I wish I could hold a kitty ussher that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap
body. I wish that very much."

eeek

[michele cryer]

LOL! ;D