Post by michele cryer on Oct 3, 2006 10:50:46 GMT
My Teddy Bear Is Evil
By Chris P Bohn
Is your teddy bear evil? Find out now!
[Simply read the the handy checklist below for more information]
Check your bear's eyes
Does your bear have a cold, intent, glassy-eyed stare? If so, this could be a sign that he is evil. Of course, you may have an ordinary cutesy bear. But it's always better to be safe than sorry, wouldn't you agree?
Check his ears
Does your bear's ear have a button? Then he may be a Steiff bear. Steiff is good - valuable. If his ear contains an inverted pentacle, however, you have almost certainly got an evil bear on your hands.
Although it is just possible he could merely be a 'Charmed' fan instead...
Check his head
If the top of your bear's head is marked by two little knobbly protuberances, these could be a sign of latent horns. Be on your guard.
Check his head again
Will your bear's head rotate a full 360 degrees? Do this test in both clockwise and anticlockwise directions just to make sure. Then call the bear exorcist, just to make doubly sure.
Check his fur
Excessive fur may indicate lycanthropic tendencies. My advice? Panic!
Check his feet
Normal feet = good.
Cloven hoofs = potential problems with your bear.
The ducking test
Tie a heavy family Bible to your bear and toss him into the local duckpond. If he sinks to the bottom, then he is a fine upstanding bear. If he floats then he may be an evil bear.
The pinprick test
Stick a pin or other pointy object into your bear. Try this with a variety of implements to ensure the test is conducted thoroughly. If your bear screams then this could be a sign that he has been tainted by the Evil one - bears are supposed to be quiet and cuddly. If he maintains silence, however, he may be in league with the Devil. Further tests may be required.
Can your bear fly?
To possess the power of flight is not normal for a bear and may indicate demonic possession. The easiest way to check is to throw your bear from a high window.
Check your cutlery drawer and gun cupboard
Be sure to fit them with sturdy locks. And hide the keys. Evil bears are known to have a penchant for weaponry of all kinds.
Does your bear get along well with other 'toys'?
Unexplained disappearances of or injuries to other toys may indicate the presence in your midst of an evil bear. But some bears are cunning - count your toys: if their number adds up to thirteen then your bear may have formed a coven. Of course this may have been done by a different toy, but in my view blaming the bear is usually the wisest course of action.
Familiars
Does your bear get on well with the family cat or vice versa? If so, this could mean the cat is a 'familiar' and this would strongly indicate that your bear is indeed evil beyond redemption.
Solution? Throw the bear to the family dog for a while.
Is your bear growing a pointed goatee beard?
Proof at last that your bear is un - den - iably an evil weevil. Try to find where he has secreted his little trident and for goodness sake watch your back!
HELP! MY TEDDY BEAR IS EVIL. WHAT DO I DO NOW?
There are a number of options open to you, should you find yourself in this position:
Worry.
Remove yourself and any religious paraphernalia from your house.
Get out and stay out.
Call the bear exorcist.
Phone the Evil Bear Hotline.
OR ALTERNATIVELY, AS THE OLD SAYING GOES... IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, JOIN 'EM !!!
© copyright chris p bohn 2003-2006
shadowweb.info/articles/evilbears.shtml
By Chris P Bohn
Is your teddy bear evil? Find out now!
[Simply read the the handy checklist below for more information]
Check your bear's eyes
Does your bear have a cold, intent, glassy-eyed stare? If so, this could be a sign that he is evil. Of course, you may have an ordinary cutesy bear. But it's always better to be safe than sorry, wouldn't you agree?
Check his ears
Does your bear's ear have a button? Then he may be a Steiff bear. Steiff is good - valuable. If his ear contains an inverted pentacle, however, you have almost certainly got an evil bear on your hands.
Although it is just possible he could merely be a 'Charmed' fan instead...
Check his head
If the top of your bear's head is marked by two little knobbly protuberances, these could be a sign of latent horns. Be on your guard.
Check his head again
Will your bear's head rotate a full 360 degrees? Do this test in both clockwise and anticlockwise directions just to make sure. Then call the bear exorcist, just to make doubly sure.
Check his fur
Excessive fur may indicate lycanthropic tendencies. My advice? Panic!
Check his feet
Normal feet = good.
Cloven hoofs = potential problems with your bear.
The ducking test
Tie a heavy family Bible to your bear and toss him into the local duckpond. If he sinks to the bottom, then he is a fine upstanding bear. If he floats then he may be an evil bear.
The pinprick test
Stick a pin or other pointy object into your bear. Try this with a variety of implements to ensure the test is conducted thoroughly. If your bear screams then this could be a sign that he has been tainted by the Evil one - bears are supposed to be quiet and cuddly. If he maintains silence, however, he may be in league with the Devil. Further tests may be required.
Can your bear fly?
To possess the power of flight is not normal for a bear and may indicate demonic possession. The easiest way to check is to throw your bear from a high window.
Check your cutlery drawer and gun cupboard
Be sure to fit them with sturdy locks. And hide the keys. Evil bears are known to have a penchant for weaponry of all kinds.
Does your bear get along well with other 'toys'?
Unexplained disappearances of or injuries to other toys may indicate the presence in your midst of an evil bear. But some bears are cunning - count your toys: if their number adds up to thirteen then your bear may have formed a coven. Of course this may have been done by a different toy, but in my view blaming the bear is usually the wisest course of action.
Familiars
Does your bear get on well with the family cat or vice versa? If so, this could mean the cat is a 'familiar' and this would strongly indicate that your bear is indeed evil beyond redemption.
Solution? Throw the bear to the family dog for a while.
Is your bear growing a pointed goatee beard?
Proof at last that your bear is un - den - iably an evil weevil. Try to find where he has secreted his little trident and for goodness sake watch your back!
HELP! MY TEDDY BEAR IS EVIL. WHAT DO I DO NOW?
There are a number of options open to you, should you find yourself in this position:
Worry.
Remove yourself and any religious paraphernalia from your house.
Get out and stay out.
Call the bear exorcist.
Phone the Evil Bear Hotline.
OR ALTERNATIVELY, AS THE OLD SAYING GOES... IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, JOIN 'EM !!!
© copyright chris p bohn 2003-2006
shadowweb.info/articles/evilbears.shtml