Post by michele cryer on Jul 1, 2005 18:31:15 GMT
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
>> bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high
>> for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
>> gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
>> Telegraph)
>> Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
>> because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
>> and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
>> Guardian)
>> A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
>> rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
>> commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
>> At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard on
>> the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
>> sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
>> had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
>> Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
>> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
>> week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
>> recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses
>> came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil
>> Hitler. "(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
>> AND, if that's not enough to lift the general mood of despondency, here
>> are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
>> made to their passengers...
>> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I
>> know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
>> married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
>> Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
>> "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
>> from E&B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you
>> know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
>> "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
>> last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
>> bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
>> and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
>> "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
>> security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
>> the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
>> time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
>> wall.....'".
>> "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
>> Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
>> so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
>> that".
>> "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
>> professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
>> registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
>> During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
>> announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
>> ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
>> "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
>> stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
>> "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
>> hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
>> "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
>> the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
>> bags into the doors."
>> "We can't move off because some idiot has their f'n hand stuck in the
>> door"> "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
>> second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
>> understand?"
>> "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL
>> belongings away from the doors* (Pause...) This is a personal message to
>> the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put
>> the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the
>> door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"
>> "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
>> on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
>> it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
>> bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high
>> for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
>> gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
>> Telegraph)
>> Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
>> because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
>> and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
>> Guardian)
>> A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
>> rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
>> commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
>> At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard on
>> the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
>> sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
>> had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
>> Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
>> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
>> week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
>> recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses
>> came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil
>> Hitler. "(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
>> AND, if that's not enough to lift the general mood of despondency, here
>> are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
>> made to their passengers...
>> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I
>> know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
>> married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
>> Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
>> "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
>> from E&B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you
>> know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
>> "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
>> last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
>> bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
>> and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
>> "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
>> security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
>> the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
>> time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
>> wall.....'".
>> "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
>> Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
>> so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
>> that".
>> "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
>> professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
>> registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
>> During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
>> announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
>> ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
>> "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then,
>> stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
>> "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
>> hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
>> "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
>> the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
>> bags into the doors."
>> "We can't move off because some idiot has their f'n hand stuck in the
>> door"> "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
>> second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
>> understand?"
>> "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL
>> belongings away from the doors* (Pause...) This is a personal message to
>> the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put
>> the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the
>> door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"
>> "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
>> on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
>> it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
