Greetings friends and fellow despisers of New New New Labour,
Whilst browsing through the Nelson Leader jobs section (for Cotty - twitter) last eventide, I happened upon this:
"KITTY USSHER, LABOUR MP FOR BURNLEY AND PADIHAM
has immediate vacancies for the following positions:
1. Senior constituency caseworkerThe successful applicant will have a general distaste for the people of Burnley and Pendle, be adept and experienced at talking b o l l o c k s and spin to members of the public (we've made up are mind about plans for the region, but we have to make sure we fox local residents into believing that we are actually consulting them on plans - deviousness a MUST!!) and have the experience to help resolve the s h i t we have created in communities like Burnley and Nelson.
Essential experience is needed in how to avoid paying out benefits, (cost cutting imperative here!!). We usually deploy the tactic of asking applicants to fill in at least 10 forms for a benefit increase of just a few pence - so experience of FORM CREATION welcome, but not essential as this can be taught. Ditto on Tax credits.
The post will involve some Friday evening (down the pub) and Saturday morning (Kitty's weekly shop down Burnley beacon of light TESCOS!) work with time off during the working week to compensate (probably).
2. Constituency researcher:Responsibilities include:
Organising MP's community surgeries (poor Kitty has work down in London, and has no time)
Maintaining website and database (this helps us look busy, and like we're doing something - these tools are crucial to keep informing poor Burnley & Pendle residents of all the bribing regeneration money that is pouring into the region, being careful not to slip in the fact that most of it goes on useless websites like this and bureaucratic procedures, leaflets and of course into the the employment of on-mass Performance Management consultants!)
Producing regular constituency newsletter (again, makes us look busy), and has the illusion that the public are being consulted
Infiltrating local campaigns on constituents' issues (previous experience preferred in hopping onto campaigns in the community last minute, and sabotaging challenge. Clear examples of this will be sought in both the application form and at interview).
Writing Press releases for local media (again twit Kit is hardly every in Burnley so the applicant will need to 'BE' Kitty. Experience in disguise, or female applicants with mid-lengh dark hair and a talent for dirty jokes at inappropriate times will be given preference!.
The applicant will be highly IT-literative, as it is a policy of New New Labour to use IT - through websites and on mass standard emails - to cut costs on communication, and generally avoid meeting, debating and talking to people face to face (applicants experienced at using such methods to avoid accountability will be favoured)!
Both posts are full-time, extremely well paid courtesy of regeneration charity/bribing money and both are based sort of in central Burnley, but mostly really in Westminster, with occasional travel to Burnley.
Salary dependent on experience and in line with House of Commons guidelines (completely non-accountable to the public!)
DEVIOUS B A S T A R D S ONLY NEED APPLY!
Please send CVs to:
Kitty Ussher MP, 2 Victoria Street, Burnley BB11 1DD, or e-mail kittyjob@hotmail.co.uk
Deadline for applications: August 9th 2005.
Start date: ASAP.
Any takers? ;D
